I was thinking about building an 82 foot gaff rigged schooner.

So, first I made my shopping list….

12 long tonnes of pine (Just because tonnes looks all nautical and stuff)

1 cross cut saw

12 cases of sandpaper various grits

1 chisel set

2 x 55 gallon drums of waterproof wood glue

8 chain plates

2 large gudgeons

300 feet of 1” line

230 feet of 5/8" line

Some twine

1 case of duct tape

12 bundles of baggywrinkles (teal)

182 gallons of dark blue gloss paint and some brushes and stuff

40 gallons of clear varnish/sealer that never needs to be resanded or revarnished

Various blocks (TBD)

3 eggs

4 strips of bacon

Hash browns -- scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, diced, peppered and capped

2 waffles

2 ounces of real maple syrup and 2 pats of real butter

1.75 liters of Gosling's Black Seal

Probably a hammer and some of those clamps that go on galvanized pipes

Lots of assorted brass things (brass is pretty)

1 whole lot of canvas

30 of the wooden loop thingies that the sails go on so they go up and down the masts

2 Masts 

Some yard arms and gaffs and stuff

One of those binnacle/compass/steering wheel thingies with the red and green balls that tell you you’re standing facing the front of the ship.

1 captain’s hat

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… and I took my list to that Expensive Boat Parts Chain Store INC LLC ETC….

All I had on me was $27.52, so all I could get there was a 20 pack of #6 brass wood screws, and two eggs. (scrambled)

So, I drove over to [the] Home Depot and the guy by the seasonal display asked if he could help me. I handed him my list and he examined it momentarily with the skill of a pro. You could tell, this guy has never worked at Lowes. He looked back up and handed me my list simultaneously. It was an impressive move which made the trip to [the] Home Depot worthwhile even if I only walked away with 110 gallons of waterproof wood glue and four strips of bacon.

“Let me show you this,” He said with a knowing gleam in his eye, He led me down to aisle 42 and about 2/3s of the way down on the left was an enormous display. An information card in a plastic sheath hung in front of it which read,

82 Foot Wooden Two Masted Schooner Kit

      #4287332782        $842,689.95

I stood before the display in awe, and thought *That’s [the] Home Depot.

And then [the] Home Depot employee said, and this is the part which really moved me, “For a small fee, we can deliver it by 3:PM tomorrow afternoon."

If I work diligently, I could be captaining my own vessel by lunch on Friday. 

Captaining? That’s a word, isn’t it? 

Aye, it be, lad. Aye it be.

“May the wind e’re be at your backs and your trousers ride higher than your cracks.” ~ Manatee Max

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